I’ve been out of the loop for a short while, contemplating my navel.
Things got too much to manage, (mentally and emotionally, anyway), so I took a break. Well, we took a break, my hubby, son and I – not going anywhere, just hanging out at home, but a break nonetheless.
It was a planned holiday period, anyway, but usually we work through such times, catching up on all the things that have not been done to date – spring cleaning, mending and repairs, etc .
The wall of obstacle that hit us like a ‘ton of bricks’ and diverted all our plans was that our grandchildren were suddenly withheld from us, and our disabled adult son, (their father), who lives with us, has not been able to spend any of the school holidays with them.
A battle still looms, there, to fight once more for his rights, but the problem shattered us all. We’d thought we were through past difficulties, and suddenly they’ve loomed again. We felt like the brightness had disappeared, and the ache in our guts that followed made working on anything difficult.
I had so many tasks planned but have completed few of them. They suddenly became too daunting, too draining, and we really needed spiritual rejuvenation and replenishment. So we put most of our tasks on hold. (Most, though not all. The business needs to be run at any time. We couldn’t really walk away from that).
Instead, we gave ourselves up to ordinary days. We left unnecessary tasks waiting.
We have lazed and watched television, catching up on shows recorded throughout the past year when we were too busy working to watch them, spending time listening to the birdsong and watching blue butterflies flit around our garden, and listening to cicadas sing choral masterpieces at the end of each very hot and muggy day. Ordinary moments.
We have lazed, and listened to the peaceful silence in our home, that did not compete this time with the noise and laughter of children in it – and not being so distracted we heard instead the voices of nature all around us, and the sounds of life in the world.
Slowly, we moved past the ‘gut aches’, and we began to enjoy the slower pace of life. We began to enjoy it so much, even the business tasks were falling behind.
Then, as these tasks were not done, the negative thoughts too quickly arose. Do we want to ply the business, still? Do we want to live such a large and demanding life? Is the effort worth it? What if we just cut down and cut back to something more manageable, something less demanding, something more ‘ordinary’?
But the business still called with each sale, and with each delivery of new products, and we realized that this was not the answer – giving up – that we love what we do, and that in the process we are living what we believe in. So the business is still going on.
It was a wake up call, nevertheless, because in those moments of ‘winding down’ and at least partially ‘giving up.’ we were suddenly faced with our smallness in the scheme of things.
We sat with those ideas a while, because they really went nowhere, and we knew they were negative, but in observance of the world around us we found ourselves discussing ‘how the other half lives.’
We found ourselves, then, wondering how people could go through life ‘half blind’, ‘half asleep’, ‘living on shallow levels’, when so much beauty and connection is all around them. Because for us, even at the ‘bottom of our valley’, we could not help but see it everywhere.
Then it struck me. If God is us and we are God, and all life around us, in us, above and below, is divine, then even though there is so much of this that is extraordinary, that is marvelous, that is superb and amazing and delectable, there is probably at least 80 per cent that is just ‘plain ordinary life’.
In one of our musings, for instance, we wondered how the society we live in today could watch what we thought were inane reality television shows, where people do the most absurd and ordinary things. How could such shows make it to prime time viewing slots? How could such ordinary people be so viewable?
And then we got it. If we are God and God is us, and God spends 80 per cent of its mind imagining people who take toilet breaks, pick their noses, wipe their boots, etc., and finds all those scenarios so interesting that they are kept in production, generation after generation, then isn’t God the original reality show groupie?
It fit with a reading I did not long after the ‘gutaches’ began churning. I felt so lost and helpless, (albeit temporarily), and doubted myself so much because here we were again facing problems and difficulties – unable to sort them – only able to live through them, (hopefully) – and I lost faith in myself and my abilities for a moment, (even though I had plenty of evidence of them stretching out behind me).
The question I asked in the reading was what the hell was I doing on Earth and what was my task, and was I worthy enough for anything if I couldn’t handle the sort of breakdown that was happening, if I fell apart and got undermined when even one ‘brick’ fell out of my ‘building‘?
The reading declared that God loves us all, and loves us no matter what we do or who we think we are.
God is not interested in the status quo, or what problems or difficulties or emotional scenes we face in life.
God does not care if we have personality flaws or troubles with others, or struggle to maintain the balance in our lives.
God just loves us, anyway, all the time, and always will.
I knew it was the truth. It made me go quiet, thinking about that.
It made me remember other messages in my past, when God told me, then, that I didn’t have to be anything or become anyone, that all I had to do was exist.
In existing, I fulfilled my purpose. In existing, I became I AM.
Necessary battles still lie ahead of us. Work tasks still call. A multitude of other tasks are still waiting to be ticked off our agendas. But we have enjoyed this summer time, blowing hot and cold though the weather has been – scorching sun and days of drenching rain – a typical tropical summer.
In these moments of quietude we have reconnected with our souls, felt smiles flit across our faces, enjoyed lazy moments patting the joyous snuggly bodies of our cats and dogs, and had many moments of simple nestling together in our lovely home.
We have counted our blessings, and no matter what the future holds, that has been a gift. Just BEING. Just living the moments with as much peace and serenity as we could muster.