Defragging the hard drive

Assailed, of late, with health problems that have made it difficult to complete tasks or find the motivation to get back to work at all.

Despite all that has gone before in the relatively long life I’ve lived, I still feel like a failure when I’m forced to rest, and then begin to have doubts about what the future holds – feeling powerless because there is no action beyond the daily mundane.

When in this state, I seek guidance.  Because in this state, meditation and mantras, prayers and wishes, don’t seem to be as effective.  So I wonder – where did I go wrong?  In what way can I do better?  How can I get through these problems or obstacles to keep forging a better state of life?

When the answers from that guidance arrive, they often surprise me.  I can tell you assuredly that they do not come from my own mind.  I could never have made them up.  I would not even have thought that way.  Their revelations are always interesting and informative, offering a different point of view.

My doctor is concerned about my health and struggling to come to terms with my insistence on trying to treat myself more assiduously with alternative therapies, first.  I asked what the medications she wanted to put me on would actually do and countered with the natural therapies I am now using, like hawthorn, arjuna, calcium and magnesium, which will do the same thing, but will take longer to take effect.

We’re keeping an eye on this process together, and I will accede to her medical intervention if something comes to crisis – but the guidance I received from spirit has definitely placed new slants on my modes.  It said that my body was going through a transformation – and that this was the reason for all the extra activity going on – the racing heart, the high blood pressure, the inflammation, and even the fragile emotions present.

Along with that message came an image of a computer hard drive defragmenting itself, and the constant ticking vibration of it rearranging information files and cleaning up bad disc areas.  That picture definitely aligns to the ever present palpitations I can’t seem to get under control, and the weird buzzing feeling that spreads from my chest to even the soles of my feet.

It’s an interesting idea, because before I got worried enough to go to the doctor and get things checked, I really thought my body was just going through some sort of healing process, manifested by my mantra rituals that had been especially concentrating on fixing problems in my life, of late.

If you know me, you know I believe in spiritual or metaphysical healing, and I do often use such healing techniques on myself, to help my own body ailments improve.  So it wasn’t odd for me to believe that the buzzing feeling was a higher vibrational energy that just seemed to be taking much longer to do its job.

A lot of separations have happened in my life relationships in recent years, and many I thought would be with me to the end of my days are now gone forever – some old, some young.  If I ever held hope of one day sorting things out with those people, I now have to acknowledge that hope seems to be finally lost.  So the image of the hard drive being cleaned up, and of irrelevant files or damaged ones being quarantined away so that the rest of the space becomes more useable is very relevant for me.

It’s human to doubt and become concerned, though.  Sometimes, pure faith is not enough.  Sometimes, destiny declares we are meant to be helped by others.  So when the buzzing continued, and palpitations joined them, and finally chest pains started popping, I sought the counsel of my doctor.

Tests my doctor has already completed on me show I am in fairly good health, though nothing can prevent sudden attacks that come out of the blue – and she likes to tell me that the physical things assailing me, nevertheless, are showing that such an attack would not be quite out of the blue.

Maybe they aren’t, but maybe that is just destiny.  Should I just trust my doctor and follow her modes, alone, when I do know the efficacy of natural therapy?

There are still doubts about my modes, because I don’t feel ready to die yet. Whoever is, at any age?

Two key figures in my early life, my mother and her sister, my aunt, both died in recent months, riddled with cancer, and both thought they would always live much longer than they did.  I thought so, too.

Death is therefore not something I feel I have real control over.  I believe it will come when it is meant to come, no matter what I do to prevent it.

My mother was having stem cell therapy well before they discovered cancer in her lungs.  Nothing she had done or did afterwards prevented it spreading to her brain and bringing inevitable death.

It is one thing wanting to live a healthy life.  It is quite another trying to cheat death.

So I am listening to my doctor but not yet trying her therapies.  (I did take modern medicine in the past, and had many unwanted or dangerous side effects).   I am going with my own natural therapies, for now, but keeping watch so that if things do get worse I can claim her backup.  And for now, I have to accept rest and attempt rehabilitation, and let time pass so that my natural therapies can do their work.

That’s how natural things work.  They take time.  They can’t be forced, and if you try to force them, there are often consequences to deal with.

It really does feel like defragmenting my hard drive.  Goodness knows, I’ve waited impatiently at times for my real computer to process a proper defragmentation of its hard drive, just itching to get back to work, and feeling frustrated that I had no choice other than to wait things out until the job was done.

And, when it is done in my own internal spaces, hopefully I will have enough life left to complete all the wonderful tasks I set myself.  There are so many, it will take a lifetime, too.  🙂

And if I don’t complete them before I die… well, I also believe in reincarnation, so mayhap I will catch up, then.

Blessings!
Lianne

Lilipily Spirit – Empower Your Life, Connect with the Divine