I was having a very down day yesterday. My autoimmune disorders were extreme and many things have slowed to a trickle because I am unable to keep up.
Was feeling a bit sorry for myself and wondering, at this age, what the future held.
Life is short and there are no guarantees. Many of my relatives have already died at ages younger than expected, with different forms of cancer.
Even my work has been affected, though the odd thing is that business has almost flat-lined of late, anyway, as if the universe thought I needed a break.
It was never meant to be a one person show, anyway. Started with a whole family in tow, but now most have gone their own ways. I’m not sure what the future holds.
So I rang my hubby at his other workplace, to talk about things for a bit, and as tears ran down my face a very weird (wyrd) thing happened…
A lot of different birds began to gather and sing in the shrubs and trees backing our rear property line, which I can see from my bedroom window (where I was sitting at the time).
They were singing en masse, and one kept calling out, as if asking all the other birds to join it. (The others actually had gathered to the call of that one bird).
It was so amazing that I went to the window to try to see all those birds, but they were well hidden in the foliage. All I had was their voices, which were so obviously many different birds.
The only other time I have heard birds like that, en masse, is when we had a python in our back garden, and they put out a cacophony to let me know so I could move it on. But the song was different, this time. It was quite uplifting.
And then, a mass of crickets began to sing in the garden bed below my bedroom window. (You have to understand that prior to all this song, the sounds outside were quite normal. A bit of distant birdsong and some breezes rustling the leaves in the trees).
It was then that I said to my husband that it was like the divine wanted to cheer me up, and had sent them to ‘knock me on the head‘ with this ‘mini miracle‘. And once I spoke those words, the bird song and the cricket chorus practically ceased.
I realized then that it was meant to cease as soon as I understood that it was a ‘message‘.
It was not a coincidence. It was something sent to uplift me, and so that I didn’t mistake it for ordinary, it ceased as soon as I understood that. (And to make it even more clear, none of that happened again for the rest of the day).
So after I ended the phone call with my hubby, I thought about that for a bit.
I thought of how things like that happened a lot more in my youth, and so I then thought about being young, fit, and beautiful again, and of course, of how I am none of those things today.
It was then that I realized that I was not living by my own tenets when it comes to reincarnation or the life of spirit as an inhabitant of the physical avatar of the body.
I have given over my body and my self to the roleplays of the physical world, because today when I personally talk to others I call myself ‘old’.
I list off my ailments and add my age to that equation, and then suddenly my world seems full of difficulties, and life seems very short.
That is in complete opposition to the idea I espouse of being an immortal being who has lived countless incarnations, and who today lives a dichotomous existence within my human body roleplay.
So I have put aside my own sense of immortality and regeneration, as I continually repeat these ‘mantras of old age’.
I am not the only one to do this. I see and hear others who are older do the same thing to themselves, over and over.
We slot ourselves into the worldly roleplay of an older body living an older and more assailed and fragile life.
Prior to my current health problems, I decided to use this ‘time out‘ period of my life to reorganize my home and business, to ‘clean up and clean out‘.
My hubby, mature son and I got stuck into this agenda and achieved much on the first weekend we did it, but our bodies were suffering at the end of that effort.
What was the first thing we declared? ‘Oh, I’m getting old. My body can’t do the things it used to.’
Yet the fact is that even young people who are super fit and healthy, would struggle to recover at the end of such a large task and effort.
The difference is not a physical one but a mental one.
Most younger people tend to take a break when they’re feeling overdone. Older people have an agenda they’ve set themselves, that they want to complete sooner rather than later because they have a sense of ‘time running out‘. So they more easily over-extend themselves, and then their bodies find it a lot harder to recover from that over-exertion.
Younger people may not have that problem because their sense can be of their ‘whole lives ahead of them.’ So they can take a break and feel like they have plenty of time to get back to things, later.
(I know there are younger people who try to do too much, and then feel a physical rebound and emotional drain, too, but they usually have a greater sense of life ahead of them, still, than older people have to play with).
So the problem with older people is not actually that they can’t do what they did when they were younger any more. It is that they are too stubborn and have too much of a sense of lack of time, to give up and come back later. They no longer ‘work with the flow‘.
And then, when their bodies complain, and it takes longer than a few days to recover, they think it is because they are ‘old‘, and they think it is because they are ‘more fragile than they used to be‘. And they declare that to anyone who will listen.
Under those types of mantras, it is easy to forget the underlying truths of spirit in existence. And it is easy to feel that your life is ‘not so important in the scheme of things‘, and that perhaps you are more ‘humble and dispensable‘ than you once thought.
And then, the ‘message‘ came to me that I am not forgotten in the mind of the divine. I have never been forgotten. I have always been loved. Because the divine does not focus on our outer appearance, nor on our physical condition or age. The divine sees us at our core – into our inner self, and into the glowing spirit that animates us.
I was ‘told‘ that it was never the divine that abandoned me. Instead, I abandoned myself. I gave up on myself. I slotted myself into a ‘sense of dearth‘, into a feeling of ‘being compromised‘, and into a ‘lack of hope’.
My body may be older, now, and my health is genetically disposed to disorder, but that does not mean I have to stop enjoying life and engaging with it.
The body naturally dies, in time, but the spirit never has to.
When my body dies, my spirit will reincarnate – that is my belief. Yet I have overshadowed my spirit with the thought of endings, and of being ‘stuck‘.
Every moment we are alive, we have the choice to savor life.
Savoring life is not dependent on what is happening to our bodies, or on the outside influences we have no control over.
Savoring life is an exercise of the mind and spirit, and is what brings a sense of connection with the divine into our mundane reality, as we realize just what miraculous beauty we are embedded in.
My body is still inflamed today, but my attitudes have changed. I am working with instead of going against ‘the flow‘.
When my hubby came home last night, he had another story to tell, of a younger workmate he often meets with, who was overburdened by the pressures his boss had put upon him to meet a deadline.
This younger man was feeling exhausted and assailed. He felt under pressure to perform, but he was already giving his best.
So my hubby passed on the sage advice that I had once given to him – to acknowledge the skills he has, to realize that he is already doing his best and that his boss actually does know that. And to understand that even though the boss is under pressure from his own superiors to achieve a deadline, it is not in his best interest to push himself until he ails, and it is not in the best interest of his workplace for him to get sick.
It is far better for him to maintain integrity and be whole, and to keep believing in himself, and then, as long as he serves well, that is the best that can be expected, so he can pull back a little, be easier on himself, and ‘go with the flow‘.
The younger man left the discourse with my hubby in a lighter frame of mind. And I was reminded of how often I give such advice to others, and yet find it hard to take it for myself…
So, now I will choose to ride the quiet moments and not give up hope that the tide will change. For if things were once faster and more intense, they will come to that phase again. All I need to do is wait the current phases out.
I obviously needed a break, anyway.
For me, our bodies never die until the moment they are meant to. What we forget is that our minds can override our spirit so that it can seem to die long before our bodies end.
It all depends on what we focus on – the body, or the spirit.
Without the spirit animating it, the body is nothing. That is ‘zombie‘ living. So why would we want to override the spirit with such a focus on our bodies, alone? Why keep repeating those mantras of ill health, age, and assailment, that smother the spirit?
With my family history, I am already older than many of my relatives were when they died, and edging toward the end date of some others.
Some of them focused so much effort on their bodies, trying to extend the length of their lives and to fight off physical assailments, but what they did could not stop that end date.
I do have a greater sense, now, of the need to capitalize on my own life, not necessarily for prosperity but for getting full value out of it by enjoying every moment I have as completely as I can.
By whatever time I go, I hope that I will have lived a meaningful life until that end, filled with full appreciation of my moments.
I am therefore thankful for this necessary wake up call.
And grateful that I can recognize those signs and omens by which the divine calls to us, that say I am still connected, and I am ever beloved.