If you’re wondering why my blogs have dwindled to a trickle, it’s because I am dealing with what feels like overwhelming personal issues right now.
These are of a level that rattle even the best inspirations and philosophies.
There is often a deep sadness that wells in my throat, my eyes, and my heart, and even as I try to manage it and realign to better modes, it is just there and is not going away, because the sadness is grief.
Because it is grief, it cannot be submerged or let go. It can only be lived through.
I can let go of the situations that caused the grief and put them into correct perspective. I can let go of the people who have now deliberately left my life and move on without them. But it is much harder to accept that a piece of my heart has died. It takes time for the ‘heartwood‘ to grow new ‘sap lines‘ for nourishment when the ‘tree‘ has been attacked.
There is an ash tree in my garden that was split in two by lightning in the last big storms we had. We propped up the split halves because there was still a joining at the base, and the branches on the split trunks still thrived with green leaves. But even with the propping, and hoping that the tree would bridge such a dramatic gap, nothing seems to be happening.
If we leave the tree like that and it doesn’t bridge the gap, the gap will fill with debris that will eventually rot the heartwood and bring disease to the tree. So now we have decided to cut off the part that needs to be propped, and to see if the part that is left will be strong enough to heal itself and keep growing.
The tree is already forever changed by the split. The scars are forever there even if we remove the part that can no longer stay up by itself.
Even in its new configuration, the tree will never be what it might have been, had it never been shattered by a lightning bolt event.
This is where I am at, too. The parts I am hanging on to are still thriving but can no longer be a real part of my life. If I keep trying to heal the wounds, all I will do is encourage disease. I have to let go. I have to remove the connections that would destroy me. And that is why I am grieving.
Of course, in all such scenarios, with a reduced form, there is the question of whether the ‘tree‘ will survive, anyway. But at least it is still standing – that half, anyway – and only time will tell. (And in the case of the ash tree, we will make good use of the wood, turning it into something beautiful, eventually – as all things past, good or bad, should become).
There are some who say that at times like these people should seek counseling or therapy, or some kind of healing, but truth to tell I have plenty of this. I am a ‘healer’, myself, so I know how to access healing. I am in touch with my ‘guides‘, so I have plenty of advice. I’m just not happy with the advice I’m being given, and I need time to grieve and time for ‘healing‘ to take effect.
In the past, I have seen other people for counseling and healing services. They like to say that it’s best to talk about things with others, to let the overwhelming feelings out, but in my lifetime I have learned that doing so is not always a good thing.
What I learned is that when I tell others of the darker things that have happened or are happening in my life, they may listen sympathetically to a point but then they begin to paint my character with the brush of darkness.
Even where the dark things have happened because of other people and events outside my control, and not because of who I am or what I did, I ended up being further victimized by the judgement the others I communicated with placed on me.
I’m not sure if that happens with everyone, but it does happen to me, and I have come to the conclusion that my empathic abilities imbue my words with such intense power that in the end this is all those who hear them remember. And when that intense power is focused on recalling the darkness that has beset me, then the darkness they feel in my words is all they are left with – not logic, not objectivity, and not compassion or sympathy.
I can rail at their misconceptions and misunderstandings but it does no good. Talking with others about the things that hurt me usually ends up just making the hurt worse. So I try to keep these private things to myself, these days. They’re not anyone’s business but mine. They are for me to deal with, alone.
As well, by focusing energy on those things at all, they become worse. Where the mind focuses, there is power. By focusing on the darker elements in my life, I give them power over me. And then my gut churns all day long.
I’m all for truth and facing the darkness, but the human mental and emotional bodies can only take so much. Such darkness needs to be in small doses, not a bombardment that lays you under persistent siege and wears you down. That’s when dis-ease sets in.
I’m older now. I have to take better care of myself if I am to live the life I want to live. There is no time to waste on negatives for long. But what can you do when, despite all your best efforts, events keep conspiring against you to bring you down?
The guidance I am given is to hang in there, and the future will be better. But the future is not now. The future does not deal with the pressure and pain I need to handle at this time, in this moment.
I have been trying to redirect my energies. But I’ve stopped working on creating things for our business at present, because I don’t want anyone else to pick up any of the pain and sense of helplessness I am going through.
Everything I create takes on some of the energy I create it with. I know that I will do more down the track, and that will be okay, then, but for now I need to get a handle on myself. So I am working with what already is, in the business, and am taking a short break from creating, at least for others.
On the other hand, I am halfway through another great artwork in my home, and now have streams of flying birds traveling in drifts and circles across the large ceiling space that spans my family room, dining area, and kitchen.
When I began it, my husband was concerned. He thought it would be ‘too busy.’ When I was halfway through attaching the vinyl cutouts that are the birds, I got concerned myself, thinking it was bringing the height of the ceiling down. But now all the birds are up, there is this great sense of movement and space, and energy. It’s a good thing. Not bad.
I’ve also been catching up on getting my rampant garden under control – a task that has long awaited attention because of the focus on our business. It’s been good to rediscover its well laid plan and the plants that have thrived in our very wet summer this year.
I’m okay when I’m doing these things, until I remember those who are no longer with me – those who once shared these spaces, who I would have shared these activities with in conversation, who I enjoyed having in my life as loving companions… (at least, who I thought were loving companions). Then the sadness wells up from deep inside, again.
All will be well, eventually. My creative energies are strong. Truth to tell, not much has changed in my life, apart from having to face the fact that these were my love investments and my hopeful aspirations for the future of them, not theirs.
It is also hard to see those I love, who are still present in my life, suffering because of the actions of those who have left. But life is about change, and change is a constant even when you think you have established safety and security.
All life is a whirl. So I am waiting to see what happens, and leaving such motions in the ‘hand of destiny‘. I will do what I need to do, until my heart is once more feeling the fullest joy of life.
In one of my ‘guidance‘ sessions, I talked with Shiva. This vedic god is known for his blue throat, because he drank the poisons of the world to save creation from its own machinations.
In the strivings of life, as people try to find their own ‘nectar of the gods‘, they often stir up deadly poisons with their selfishness. And once that poison is set free, it cannot always be contained or dealt with, especially by those who released it.
They, too, can feel helpless that the actions they took to better themselves and their lives ended up releasing poison that could ruin everything.
The story of Shiva is that, by remembering that he is immortal and divine and not part of the destinies of the world or cosmos except by choice, he could make a sacrifice of himself by drinking the poison and removing it from the world – thereby ensuring that the goodness and prosperity that was sought was all that was left, and that those who brought it forth could enjoy it.
Sometimes, we have to make a sacrifice of ourselves so others can prosper.
That does mean accepting pain, because poison naturally brings pain with it. And it does mean becoming forever marked by the poison, just as Shiva has been forever marked. But just because you accept and take on the poison others send your way does not make you ‘bad’. Shiva remains pure even though he bears the ‘mark‘ of poisoning.
Accepting the poison being sent your way does not mean you are ‘bad‘ and they are not. It just means that deflecting or rejecting the poison does not help anyone, and neither does blaming those who send it. All that can be done with such poison is to transmute it.
I know people who deal with the curses of others by cursing back. But if you curse those who send curses, or rebound their curses back to them, their curses only escalate because they will be in even more pain and darkness, and acting upon their reactions to that.
The only way to remove a curse in action is to accept it and recycle its energy into something blessed. And by doing so, you bless the cursers and help them find the harmony and prosperity they need to stop cursing.
That does not necessarily bring them back to you as companions in camaraderie. Shiva spends most of his life alone, contemplating the cosmos, and only has a small circle of family to engage a worldly life with.
The joy in such sacrifice is not in bringing people back together who perhaps should not be together. The joy is in ensuring that the poisons will no longer harm anyone and that life can be the beautiful place it is meant to be for all.
So I will keep my darker stories to myself, and will deal with them in private, knowing I am strong enough to do so, and that with time and cosmic contemplation I will transmute them into a different energy.
Curses are just a manifestation of power and all power is neutral until shaped by a vessel of desire and intention. The same electricity that powers the kettle you boil water to brew a cup of tea with also powers the chain saw that cuts down a tree.
I will absorb the curses currently denigrating my life and use the power to create blessings – and then watch out for the run of ‘happy buddha beads‘ I make after that, because they will be absolutely superb !
Love and blessings to all those suffering in any way in this universe. Bear up. Keep your eyes open for the ‘fireflies in the darkness‘, lighting the way. The dawn is coming.